So, I was totally doing my thing
(stalking the Twitter feed) and I noticed Michelle Hauck's 1st page blog hop!
Does this woman have superpowers or something? She seems to pull time from some hour
hording cloud in the sky. She rocks! Anyway, here's the link so anyone interested can join the fun!
My work in progress lurks below.
It's untitled, and I totally don't look forward to the many migraines I'll
endure when the time comes to make a decision. But I do look forward to
critiquing fellow writers!
YA Contemporary
As a Capland girl, and daughter of
the head coach, it was my duty to attend all games. This unspoken rule especially applied to games with our rival
school, Montville.
Another touchdown for the boys in
black and gold, and my ear drums nearly exploded with whoops and screams of
excitement. It could’ve been my own shouts for all I knew. I didn’t even like
football, but with a Capland victory against Montville, Dad would be in good
spirits.
I wished I could say the boys in red
didn’t stand a chance. But I’d be lying. They were equally matched in skill.
And judging from the way they played, they were equally accustomed to hard
practices.
Since I could remember, Capland
parents, teachers, and coaches had reinforced that we were better than
Montville. They’d drilled that into our heads, the same as they had preached
drugs would leave us miserable drains on society. I’m surprised we didn’t have
full blown school assemblies for the sole purpose of bashing the Montville
players. Maybe Montville did the same to their players. They sure played like
it.
The score was close, too close.
Red lit numbers on the scoreboard
flashed, counting down the game. My bottom lip ached with a nervous bite when
number four on the Montville team raced down the field. He was fast.
Uncatchable.
And it was over.
Montville had won.
***
Yeah, you’ve probably guessed by the
town names—it’s a contemporary Romeo & Juliet retelling. Oh, if SC_Author
happens to run across this…I’m totally looking forward to your Retelling Blog,
you know, so I don’t completely fudge this thing up!
Comments welcome!
Hi! I I don't tend to read much YA Contemp, but I'll give it my best shot. I think the idea of a modern R&J with football teams is interesting.
ReplyDeleteI didn't understand the "Capland girl" phrase of the first line at first. I also don't think you need it, since there are surely girls at that school who don't go to football games.
I really like the details like eardrums nearly exploding and her bottom lip aching. They make me feel closer to the MC.
I think the paragraph beginning "since I could remember" might need some work. It feels a bit "tell-y" to me. Also, the MC says they DIDN'T have assemblies to bash the other players. But maybe Montville did the same to their players. Should it be "Maybe Montville did?"
If it's really important for her that Capland wins, maybe instead of "And it was over" you could use a phrase that shows how she physically feels the disappointment.
Good luck with this!
Bleh, ok, I've written this three times. I think your comments app hates me.
ReplyDeleteI really love your sense imagery, it does an excellent job of fixing this story in place and time.
What I had a rough time with:
1) I didn't immediately get that the black and gold was her team. Perhaps use a possessive, even if it comes off ironic, to hit the point fast and remove any doubt.
2) I agree with Laura, the fourth paragraph fell flat for me. I'd rather know how she feels about Montville with reference to how she's supposed to feel, or the entire thing may be unnecessary and you pepper the text with references to the rivalry.
Hope that helps! (Hope this posts!) Best of luck!
a-ha! I didn't pick up on the capulet/montague thing while I was reading, I guess I was too busy enjoying the story.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I didn't quite buy into was that teachers, coaches and parents would tell their kids that they were better than the other school. Maybe take this a little more romeo/juliety and make an incident that happened years ago that no one seems to remember or talk about, but it might be more believable if something had happened to cause this rivalry, even if we never learn about the specifics.
Everything else about this story i really liked. I think you are on to something! Great job!
I think the strongest part of this is the paragraph about the culture of Montville hate. It's interesting and the whole "drugs will make us a drain on society" thing was really well done. It showed so much about the town and how people interact in it. I'm not sure you really need to set up the whole I hate football but my Dad insists I come so here I am. For one, it seems like she is into the game so it's a bit of a contradiction. In addition to that why does her dad being in good spirits effect things? I think a lot of this could be fixed just but getting a little deeper in your character's head. Really show how she's uncomfortable and cranky about being there and then tie that lack of interest into parental and town expectations so that when their team loses she can feel extra super guilty. Does that make sense. I may be early morning rambling here. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteFOOTBALL! I don't know if there's ever been a football twist on R&J, so that's exciting. There is something about football. I don't even know. Also, my high school's colours were black and gold. We were the Muskies. We couldn't figure out the association.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really great start. The third paragraph, I feel, is made up of a lot of short sentences that could be mixed together/expanded on. It reads kind of unsteady. Stilted. But it's also something that's easily fixed :) I feel like you also set us up for some character introduction/backstory in the first paragraph with "Capland girl" but then it cuts immediately to the football game so we're missing why the football game is so important.
Great job!
Love the idea, but show us instead of telling us, e.g.,
ReplyDeleteThird quarter and my dad, coach of Martin Luther King High football team stares up at me and frowns.
Okay, okay, so Cecile or Ceelie, your only daughter is late. Again. I had things to do, places to go, but I'll never tell you what they were.
Okay, that's what I'd write, but give us her name and a little of her style and the father/daughter relationship, so we want to read on.
This idea is really intriguing. Writing is such a subjective thing, so I may have differing opinions from some of the previous commenters. Take what you will :) I really like that you start out with "As a Capland girl" because it shows that her identity is all wrapped up in the Capland mentality and she doesn't really get a choice about it. I was a little confused that she seems to be forced to go to the games yet still has vested interest (nervousness as the other team scores) in the game. Wouldn't she just be apathetic? If #4 for Montville is Romeo(?), perhaps something about him makes her take interest in the game when she otherwise wouldn't? Just a thought. The premise you have set up is great! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree this is an intriguing idea - love the sports take on the Capulets and Montagues!
ReplyDeleteAnd, as always, take whatever part of my remarks works for you and leave the rest -- it's all so subjective.
For my money though, I'm not sure you start in the right place. You have a couple different threads going in these first 250 - the game itself, the setting up of the rivalry which goes beyond the game itself. I felt your narrative bounced between those a bit much for me. I think you could start with the game, clarifying which color is which team, briefly develop the game tension, then reveal why this game matters so much, and also include her stake in this game. Also, as others have said, I think a lot of this could be done better through showing -- rather than tell us the teams are equally matched, describe a play in the game.
Good luck!!
#21 SPOOKY JANE
Always great to start a YA with a rivalry because most students live rivalries of all kinds throughout their teens. However, it doesn't feel tense until the end. I like the addition of the fact that she's the coaches daughter but I don't think I'd start with that. Start the other team scoring on her and the real fear they could lose. Then, tell us that she's the coach's daughter so for her it's about more then just her high school team. As someone who taught Romeo and Juliet for a couple of decades, I love the idea of a retelling. :-)
ReplyDelete