The fabulous Michelle Hauck is hosting yet another blog hop! Last time I shared my first 250 and got amazing feedback. Thanks y'all! This time we get to tackle QUERY letters (insert dramatic music here). My brain already hurts...
Michelle has all the details on her blog. Join in, get feedback, and give a little too. It's fun...I promise!
My query letter is below. Happy critiquing, fellow writers!
Revised
Dear ______:
When
seventeen-year-old Jill is submerged in a mob of angry fans on a football field,
she discovers two things: the rivalry is way out of control, and she just met
the boy worth questioning everything she’s grown up believing.
As a Capland
girl, and daughter of the head coach, Jill never expects to fall for Rashon, a
Montville boy. After all, Montville is full of worthless troublemakers—at least
that’s what everyone in Capland says. But with one quick rescue on a football
field, followed by an extraordinary amount of sneaking around and lying
(there’s always lying) and she is hooked. When Jill learns Rashon will join her
at State in the fall, she knows freedom to love him publicly is close. Too bad
Dad, or the entire town for that matter, will disown her. Being with Rashon is
what she wants. But what she wants and what her family wants are two different
things. Ending the rivalry is the only way. First, she needs to know why it
started and how it got so out of control.
And so, Jill
starts an inquisition, determined to find answers. Granddad, bourboned up and
chatty, offers the details, details that prevent either family to forgive and
forget. If she’s not successful in bringing feuding towns and families
together, then she’ll lose someone: Rashon or Dad. She has to make it happen.
Somehow.
WHERE THE MAPLES
GROW, a contemporary YA retelling complete at 51,000 words, is a story of
forbidden love as seen from two points of view: my Romeo and my Juliet.
Per submission
guidelines, I’ve included the first XXX of my manuscript. I appreciate your
time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Original
Dear ______,
Jill wasn’t on the lookout for a boyfriend. What was the point when she’d be gone to State in the fall. One quick rescue on a football field, followed by an extraordinary amount of sneaking around and lying (there was always lying) and she was hooked. Too bad her new love, Rashon, was a Montville boy. Not to mention, Dad would have a stroke if he knew she even dreamed of dating his rival’s son. Loving him in secret was great and all, but there’s only so much time in a day without prying eyes. The only way to end the rivalry was to find out why it started in the first place. And so, the inquisition began. Granddad, bourboned up and chatty, would offer the details, details that prevented either love struck teen’s family to forgive and forget.
She had to make it happen. Somehow. Living without the boy her heart refused to forget wasn’t an option.
WHERE THE MAPLES GROW, a contemporary retelling complete at 51,000 words, is a story of forbidden love as seen from two points of view: my Romeo and my Juliet.
Per submission guidelines, I’ve included the first XXX of my manuscript. I appreciate your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Hello, Amy!
ReplyDeleteThis book sounds great! I think you did a really nice job with descriptions.
I think the first paragraph could be reworded a little to simplify. It ran on a little long and confused me -maybe even split it into two sentences.
"Jill wasn’t on the lookout for a boyfriend. What was the point when she’d be gone to State in the fall." -I don't know if this part is necessary for the query.
"Somehow. Living without the boy her heart refused to forget wasn’t an option." Take out "somehow"???
The genre of the book should be more clear. It also doesn't specify an age-range (YA) within the query which I think is important. I love that you state that it's a modern day Romeo and Juliet story. If you had put that first, it might not have gone over as well, but after I read the summary and THEN saw the comparison, I got even more excited for the story because of the concept. (Just my opinion.) :)
Maybe you could add a quick bio about yourself to the letter??
I'll be watching for this on the book shelves! Good luck!
Hi, Amy!
ReplyDeleteI would cut down your first paragraph a little, since it's a bit of a run-on. Maybe something like: [Submerged in violence on small town Capland’s football field, Jill. discovers two things: the rivalry is way out of control, and she just met the boy worth questioning everything she’s grown up to believe.]
[One quick rescue on a football field, followed by an extraordinary amount of sneaking around and lying (there was always lying) and she was hooked.] <--- I feel like we need more information about Jill and Rashon's relationship, especially if it's such a strong part of the plot.
[And so, the inquisition began. Granddad, bourboned up and chatty, would offer the details, details that prevented either love struck teen’s family to forgive and forget.] I like this first sentence, but the second one's a bit confusing, so maybe you could rephrase it somehow?
I also noticed that your first paragraph is in present tense, while your second paragraph is in past tense. I'd suggest putting your second paragraph in present tense, to make it feel more immediate. I think that feeling of immediacy would strengthen your query a lot. :)
I really like your plot; the idea of modern day Romeo and Juliet is fun, and I'm interested in seeing why exactly the two families are rivals. Good luck on your querying adventures, and I hope my advice helps you out!
Contemporary isn't my genre, so please take this with a grain of salt! :)
ReplyDelete================
When seventeen-year-old Jill finds herself submerged in violence on small town Capland’s football field she discovers two things: the rivalry is way out of control, and she just met the boy worth questioning everything she’s grown up to believe. ---{I liked the beginning, but from the football field part, I became confused as to what is going on}---
Jill wasn’t on the lookout for a boyfriend. What was the point when she’d be gone to State in the fall. One quick rescue ---{rescue? of what? who?}---
on a football field, followed by an extraordinary amount of sneaking around and lying (there was always lying) and she was hooked ---{hooked on what?}---.
Too bad her new love, Rashon, was a Montville boy. Not to mention, Dad would have a stroke if he knew she even dreamed of dating his rival’s son. ---{Maybe switch it up since I didn't understand what it meant for him to be from Montville until I read the next sentence. Maybe something like: "Dad would have a stroke if he knew she even dreamed of dating his rival's son; he was a Montville boy." or something like that}---
Loving him in secret was great and all, but there’s only so much time in a day without prying eyes. The only way to end the rivalry was to find out why it started in the first place. And so, the inquisition began. Granddad, bourboned up and chatty, would offer the details, details that prevented either love struck teen’s family to forgive and forget.
She had to make it happen. Somehow. Living without the boy her heart refused to forget wasn’t an option. ---{I'm not really seeing the stakes since she's going to State in the fall - unless she decided not to go because she wants to stay with her new boyfriend?}---
Hope this helps!
Good luck! :)
The football theme is great - it's a perfect background for this retelling!
ReplyDeleteLike others, I felt your first paragraph took on too much. What violence is she submerged in? Better to be specific. The line about the boy could be simpler too -- for the purposes of a query, we need to know only she;s falling for the one boy her parents never wanted her to meet.
The second paragraph is also confusing -- I think it's best to choose one part of the story to tease in the query. The real conflict is that they have to glean the secrets behind their rivalry so they can end it. The stakes are that if they can't end it, they can't be together. But what else? If they can't end it, her heart breaks, but is there more? (Of course we know there is, but you need to make the stakes clearer and more compelling especially because it's a popular retell -- what makes yours stand out from the others?)
I'd cut the part in paragraph 3 about it being your romeo and your juliet. Better to tell me genre (is it MG? YA? Romance?) And name some comps.
Cut the part about per your submission guidelines. They know what their guidelines are. Just say thanks for your time and consideration.
Good luck!
Hey, Amy!
ReplyDeleteFirst off I'd like to say how I LOVE stories about forbidden love, so I'm definitely into this. Contemporary, however, is not the area I write in so bear that in mind when you decide how much weight to give my comments! :)
I feel like this query has a lot going for it, but perhaps things are in the wrong order. If you started with who Jill is, and what she's grown up to believe, then your next paragraph could introduce the 'but when' element - how Rashon comes along and contrasts with what she believes and who she is.
I love the football rivalry angle, and how getting to the root of why the rivalry exists is part of Jill's story. But I still don't feel like I have a sense of stakes - as in why it's so terrible they're seeing each other, or what will happen if they are discovered. If you make this clearer, it'll really help your query stand out! :)
I agree with the others that YA/NA and genre should be specified, and that's easy to add in where the word count is :) Finally, I love how you're comparing your characters to Romeo and Juliet. However, I'd change 'my Romeo' and 'my Juliet' to 'the Romeo, and the Juliet.' This is likely the most subjective part of my critique though, so take it with a pinch of salt! :)
With a little bit of changing things around and highlighting the stakes that make your story different like Heather mentioned, I think this could be a great query!
Best of luck with it, and I hope at least some of what I've suggested is helpful! :)
Hi Amy! Great job so far. There are a lot of good things going on this query. I get a sense of who Jill is and what to expect from the setting.
ReplyDeleteI felt that there were a lot of characters mentioned in the query—Jill, Rashon, her dad, Granddad— and overall the outline of the storr could be clarified and streamlined. Try to focus more on the stakes and what will happen if they continue to see each other. Because, as you said, she's off to State in the fall. I love R&J and would love to a great retelling!
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteWho doesn't love Romeo and Juliet! I'll critique your revised version.
This line tripped me up: 'But with one quick rescue on a football field, followed by an extraordinary amount of sneaking around and lying (there’s always lying) and she is hooked.' First, I'm not sure what one quick rescue on a football field means. Also, I would take out '(there's...lying) as it's redundant since you just told us there's an extraordinary amount of lying.
Also, this seems a bit dull. Maybe you could be more specific: 'And so, Jill starts an inquisition, determined to find answers.' I would cut, 'And so'
I like that it's dual-POV. Sounds cool! For the most part the query is really clear and I think this sounds like a fun read! Good luck to you!
I'm wondering why you emphasize, 'my' Romeo and 'my' Juliet at the end. I find it comes across as selfish or something negative. Not sure about that.
Romeo & Juliet! One of my favorite stories. Your modern retelling sounds like an excellent read.
ReplyDeleteWhen seventeen-year-old Jill is submerged in a mob of angry fans on a football field, she discovers two things: the rivalry is way out of control, and she just met the boy worth questioning everything she’s grown up believing.
(This reads like a logline. I’m tempted to suggest you cut all of it, because this is like a summary of what you explain much better—and with so much more voice—below. All you’d have to do is put her age before her name in the next paragraph.)
As a Capland girl, and daughter of the head coach, Jill never expects to fall for Rashon, a Montville boy. After all, Montville is full of worthless troublemakers—at least that’s what everyone in Capland says. But with one quick rescue on a football field, followed by an extraordinary amount of sneaking around and lying (there’s always lying) and she is hooked. When Jill learns Rashon will join her at State in the fall, she knows freedom to love him publicly is close. Too bad Dad, or
(“or” could be “and”)
the entire town for that matter, will disown her. Being with Rashon is what she wants. But what she wants and what her family wants are two different things. Ending the rivalry is the only way. First, she needs to know why it started and how it got so out of control.
And so, Jill starts an inquisition, determined to find answers. Granddad, bourboned up and chatty, offers the details, details that prevent either family to forgive and forget.
(?keep both families from forgiving and forgetting? “either family to forgive and forget” comes across awkward to me)
If she’s not successful in bringing feuding towns and families together, then she’ll lose someone: Rashon or Dad.
(“she’ll lose Rashon or Dad” might work better than “she’ll lose someone: Rashon or Dad”)
She has to make it happen. Somehow.
(I think you could cut this last bit and just leave the reader wondering if she’ll lose someone she loves)
I actually think your query is strong as it is, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt, or a full salt shaker of it.
All the best in the query trenches!
This may be a repeat of what others have said, but I think your query has s lot going for it. I have three things I'd like to bring up.
ReplyDeleteFirst, in the first paragraph, I would say "...the rivalry between Capland and Montville is way out of control..."
Second, and I'm sure I saw someone else refer to this, I would revisit the "always the lying" phrase. I'm not sure it adds anything information or voice wise, so I'd recommend either adding detail to clarify it or removing it.
Third is the choice of the word "inquisition," which I'm sure has a negative connotation for just about everyone. "Investigation" might serve you better here, and there's probably a much more fitting word than that but I'm at a loss to provide one right now.
All in all, you have the framework in place for a solid query. Good luck!
Hey,
ReplyDelete#9 from the Holiday Query Blog Hop here :D
My thoughts are capitalized:
***
When seventeen-year-old Jill is submerged (MAKES ME THINK WATER) in a mob of angry fans on a football field, she discovers two things: the rivalry is way out of control, and she just met the boy worth questioning everything she’s grown up believing (I LIKE THIS SENTENCE).
As a Capland girl, and daughter of the head coach, Jill never expects to fall for Rashon, a Montville boy. After all, Montville is full of worthless troublemakers—at least that’s what everyone in Capland says. But with one quick rescue on a football field, followed by an extraordinary amount of sneaking around and lying (there’s always lying) and she is hooked (CUT THE "AND" AND REPLACE WITH A COMMA). When Jill learns Rashon will join her at State (STATE WHAT?) in the fall, she knows freedom to love him publicly is close. Too bad Dad, or the entire town for that matter, will disown her. Being with Rashon is what she wants. But what she wants and what her family wants are two different things. Ending the rivalry is the only way. First, she needs to know why it started and how it got so out of control. (I EXPECTED THIS TO BE THE END, BUT YOU KEEP ON GOING)
And so, Jill starts an inquisition, determined to find answers. Granddad, bourboned up and chatty, offers the details, details that prevent either family to forgive and forget. If she’s not successful in bringing feuding towns and families together, then she’ll lose someone: Rashon or Dad. She has to make it happen. Somehow.
***
I think you could cut a few of the repetitive sentences at the end and wrap it up quicker. We already know they're feuding and R/J want to be together, so get to finding the answers quicker.
Best of luck,
Tiffanie